Tuesday afternoon at the library, instead of doing anything on [church obligations], I spent time with several articles that could have been predicted to make me angry. I’ve forgotten specifics about them, and Net History from the library terminal isn’t available to me here. The deal is, I recognized an appetite for darkness; “The Itch.” Similarly yesterday, yesterday morning, once I realized I really had nothing to do that day, I became intensely angry and prone to look for ways to act out that anger; e.g. by finding more such articles to fume over. Went through some more of the same last night, albeit presence in the shower saw it all go away.
All this in the face of my goal of being perpetually happy and cheerful and an emanator of light and joy.
Where the anger’s coming from, I have no idea. I recognized this desire to be angry, desire for trouble. Customary response to it, on the part of someone who aspires to the things I aspire to, might be to fight against it, condemn oneself for it, disapprove of it, beat oneself up for being that way or for having such a desire. I saw that I need in effect to make friends with those tendencies within myself, accept them. Until I do that, I will never be able to manage them.
This relates to Jung’s notion of needing to befriend one’s “shadow.” It’s an iffy proposition, on the surface completely contrary to normal morality.
But it is essential if I am to take ownership of my whole self, including my potentialities for evil; if I am to love my whole self; if I am to deal positively with other people who are wrestling with the same tendencies.
Related: A short route to agony