I am extremely depressed this morning. This may be a “monthly.” I find myself hyper-self-critical; ready to take anything someone may say the wrong way; ready to snap.
I’m dealing with various issues in various places that may help explain it, but as opposed to engaging in excuses or blame, I need to deal with what is.
I was in Dunkin’ Donuts at 9:00 and chose to check the library schedule for this week; to chart out what days I would go to the library and what other days I would go to church.
At church I have a solid block of 5+ hours of Net access, with continuous free coffee; and I don’t need to leave until 13:30. However, I don’t have access at church to a printer, to Microsoft Word, or to my Google drive. At the library, on days when there is no class in the computer lab, I have a solid block of Net access from 10:00 to 12:45 — I must leave at 12:45. — and I do have access to printers, to Word, and to my Google drive. At the library, on days when there is a class in the computer lab, my Net access is broken up into blocks of one hour or less at a time, as I get no more than one hour and have to go re-sign-up for a new terminal each time.
So, on days when there is a class in the computer lab, I normally go to church instead of the library.
Looking at the schedule this morning, I got an unwelcome jolt. There are classes in the computer lab today, tomorrow and Thursday. This would have made it advisable to go to church today. (On days I go to church, I don’t normally go to DD and hang out till 9:30. Instead, I go to church straight from the shelter, normally arriving about 6:30.) Advising against going to church today is the fact that I have certain urgent tasks in Word that involve printing (the church council minutes, and a new bulletin for the Saturday prayer services).
I decided to come to the library instead of going to church, not so much for the sake of getting those tasks done, but of managing my emotions. A solid block of time at church with no real obstacles facing me could provide occasion for me to just wallow in sorrow, whereas having to aggressively overcome the various difficulties at the library would be prone to take me out of myself and, ironically, make me feel better.
So I came to the library today.