Yesterday in shower I decided to think about things I’d like to have happen. I settled on dreaming of having a cat: a black and white cat; playing with it, petting it, holding it, feeding it, cleaning up.
This vision has positive ramifications: it implies I have my own apartment, and that implies I have a decent job. My own place, my own food, my own clothes: as far as material things are concerned, I want no more than that out of life.
I noticed that I did not absolutely believe that this is sure to happen. That felt good, because such belief would feel too much like delusion.
I noticed also that I had no fear lest it not happen. I am and will be copacetic.
I will not be disappointed.
Such fear seems to me to be what Jesus called “doubt.” (Need to find out whether “doubt” and “fear” are the same word in Greek.)[*]
Friday in the shower I chose to daydream about finding a job in radio and the transition that would mean, from living in a shelter to having my own place. If the station wants me to work part-time at first, I may be able to continue to stay at the shelter. If they want me to work full-time, I’ll probably have to leave the shelter; I can stay in a hotel until my first paycheck, and then get my own place.
I can buy almost everything I need to set up housekeeping, at Family Dollar. Minimal but adequate clothes (except shoes: I’ll have to buy those at a shoe store). Kitchen utensils: a spoon, fork and knife; a big pot to cook spaghetti; a colander (I’ve never had one before, and I’m going to cook a lot of pasta.); a saucepan fit for cooking popcorn or beans; a big spoon. A big bowl to put my popcorn in.
I felt the same way I’d felt Thursday; I will not be disappointed.
[*](The New Testament word for “fear” proves to be phobos, which is not surprising. The New Testament word for “doubt” is instead distazo, which properly means “waver,” “vacillate,” or “be of two minds.” I find that different from, and far more informative than, “doubt.”)